Little Green Footballs

Thomas Jefferson was a John Bircher

2010-07-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

I have discovered new secret information proving that Thomas Jefferson was a John Bircher - more than 100 years before there any other John Birchers. This article here talks about Thomas Jefferson. But anyone who reads it is a John Bircher. They come from "pods" and are guilty of "bad craziness." Thomas Jefferson was obviously part of a conspiracy with John Birch, whoever that was.

Outrageous outrage of the day; Ugandan Al Qaeda bombing

2010-07-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

The story of Al Qaeda terrorists from Somalia bombing restaurants in Uganda and killing dozens of people watching the World Cup finals was rapidly spread throughout the wingnutsphere, with the requisite expressions of outrageous outrage, rage, and more outrage.

And once again, it’s a bogus story.

So I will not talk about it. (I used to write about this kind of thing all of the time, but since all of America became raaaaaacist, I will ignore it). Instead, here is another comic book cover.

I call it "J-Men" Issue #4.

I cannot stop writing about Pamela Geller

2010-07-12T05:01:00.000-07:00

I used to ban people from linking to or mentioning Pam Geller. I was going to kill her with silence. But now, I write about her all the time, except when I am writing about Robert Stacy McCain (with whom I am obsessed).

Now that she has more readers than I do, I must convince everyone that she is bad by yelling bad words at them. These are the words I use to describe Pam Geller:

Shrieking Harpy
Right Wing
Idiocy
Hate Speech
Bigotry
Conspiracy Theories
Bad Craziness

Those are bad words - especially "bad craziness" and "hate speech." Heee Heee Heee.

After I write these words on my blog, I go to the nearest street corner and yell them at passersby. That'll show her.

If I say these words often enough, people will stop liking her and come to my blog so that I can get traffic. I will be popular again.

More bad stuff about Robert Stacy McCain.

2010-07-11T14:56:00.001-07:00

Did you know that Robert Stacy McCain did not eat all of his vegetables at dinner last night? (I know this because of that whole obsession thing.)

Well, he is not going to get away with this. He is vile and a racist and he has no traffic at his blog.

He is bad.

I hate him.

More on Robert Stacy McCain

2010-07-07T04:48:00.000-07:00

I have it on good authority that Robert Stacy McCain left his house this morning at 7:30 A.M. (I know this because I am obsessed.)

Did McCain have a reason to leave the house at this time, or do all Nazis leave the house at 7:30 in the morning?

[P.S. If you call Elena Kagan a Nazi, you are vile, filthy, racist etc. etc.]

I am obsessed with Robert Stacy McCain

2010-07-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

I am obsessed with Robert Stacy McCain (almost as much as I am obsessed with Pamela Geller.). He is a bad man. Even though no one knows who he is and even though he is insignificant and vile and racist and capitalist, I will spend all of my time talking about everything he does and drawing pictures of him.

I also use his middle name, even though it is racist for anyone to use Obama's middle name.

I have nothing but strawmen.

2010-07-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Norman Lear called me. He wants his strawmen back.

If you don't say that Thurgood Marshall was "mainstream," I will cry.

2010-07-01T07:10:00.000-07:00

Anyone who believes in god is a racist, Nazi, homophopic, vile, Halliburton, rightwing, sexist, fascist, white supremacist bad guy. So even though I don't believe in God, I believe that Thurgood Marshall was a saint. There is no god, and Thurgood Marshall was his saint.

So anyone that disagrees with Thurgood Marshall, or who does not consider him to be "mainstream" or who thinks he was "results-oriented" is foul, fringe, appalling and racist.

You WILL believe that Marshall was "mainstream" or you WILL be called racist. After all, the man had an airport named after him. Everyone with an airport named after them must be revered as "mainstream." Or else.

Markos Moulitsas is now good; Stay tuned for further changes.

2010-06-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

Markos "Daily Kos" Moulitsos used to be bad. I used to write "screw them" after his name to remind readers of how he celebrated the death of Americans in Iraq.

But now he is good. He is "forthcoming" and any Republican that questions him is paranoid and hyperpartisan. Even though Moulitsas is suing his own pollster, that pollster's results are accurate. They are fake, but accurate.

The only reason my opinion has changed is that all Republicans suddenly became racist, sexist, homophibic, religious, capitalist, Halliburton, fascist, fanatic kooks all at once in 2008.

2010-03-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

The only Republicans that aren't racist are the ones that criticize other Republicans. At that point, they stop being racist just long enough to finish their criticism and for me to quote them.

My strategy

2010-03-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

My strategy is to find the most extreme and isolated individuals that no one has ever heard of and try to link them to mainstream conservatives. I do this by the following methods:

Find an example where the isolated person attended the same conference as a mainstream Republican.
Find an example where the isolated person praised a mainstream Republican (or Conservative).
Find an example where the isolated person knows a person that knows a mainstream Republican.
Find an example where the isolated person advocates one thing that a Republican also agrees with, no matter how basic or innocuous this position might be.

Once I find some example of this, I do the following:

Shout "A- ha!!" as loud as I can (I also type PWNED and FAIL in my blog).
Repeat the name of the isolated person in a hyphenated form with the name of whatever Republican I have been able to link them with over and over.

In this manner, I hope to ensure that the federal government takes over the health care industry without having to specifically advocate such a policy.

9-11 Truthers are really rightwingers

2010-03-08T04:58:00.000-08:00

Here is my latest theory:

1) The 9-11 Truthers believe that Bush/Cheney staged 9-11.
2) Bush and Cheney are tools of the right wing.
3) Even though 9-11 Truthers blame rightwingers Bush/Cheney, the 9-11 Truthers are also rightwingers because one of them was on Fox News.

So we have rightwingers blaming other rightwingers for 9-11.

That logic was somewhat complicated, so maybe I will make it simpler for both of my remaining readers. Here is the new rule -

Anytime anyone does anything bad, that person is a rightwinger.

Wait. . . . . except for 9-11. I don't yet blame the rightwing for 9-11. That would make me a Truther - which would nullify this whole post. But no one reads my old posts anyway, so I have plenty of time for that later.

Greecers are Birthers

2010-03-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

We have already established that Greecers are raaaaaaacists.

But now I can announce that they are Birthers too. They have imagined a place called "Greece," in which social chaos and unrest result from the government running out of money - as if that could happen.

I would bet that all of the people that the Greecers are accusing of being "Greek" are actually American citizens with legitimate birth certificates. This is just another way of marginalizing legitimate Americans by accusing them of having some connection to a foreign country. It won't work with the President, and it won't work with the "Greeks" either.

If someone accuses you of being "Greek," don't show them your birth certificate. Make them take you to court.

Ronald Reagan would support Obamacare

2010-03-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

I saw a picture of a guy with a sign at a Tea Party rally with a misspelled word. Or maybe it had a picture of something I don't like. Or something. I forget.

Either way, Ronald Reagan would have been very unhappy with that sign. (I know because Ron Reagan Jr. said so.)

Therefore, Ronald Reagan would have supported Obamacare.

(Of course, I haven't given you my own opinion of Obamacare. Remember that whole testicle thing.)

Greecers are raaaaaaacist!!!!

2010-03-03T05:20:00.000-08:00

Greecers are people that believe that a country called "Greece" is bankrupt and facing economic collapse and social unrest, and that this has some predictive relevance to all of the multi-trillion dollars of deficit spending in the U.S.

(The above link is to a previous post of mine. I did not link to an actual Greecer because, as you recall, I have no testicles.) (Again, another link to my own blog instead of someone else's - but I digress.)

Greecers are nothing but raaaaacists who hate Obama because he is black (I would normally say "African-American" instead of "black" but that might imply that he was born in Kenya, which has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt IS NOT TRUE). Raaaaacists are more subtle than they used to be. Instead of criticizing Obama's skin color directly, they invent a mythical place called "Greece" and imply that Greece has run out of money, thus introducing fear of foreigners into the discussion also.

Here is the new "N-word" among right wingers - "A country called Greece ran out of money and can't provide government benefits and jobs like before because of too much spending, thus resulting in social unrest and societal collapse, just like what will happen in America soon if we don't stop spending money we don't have."

Anytime you hear someone say that, just picture them adding the word "boy" at the end. You will know what they REALLY believe.

Things I would do if I had testicles.

2010-03-02T06:13:00.000-08:00

If I had not given my testicles to the Obama administration, I could do the following:

Actually link to the people I attack so that the readers would have a clue what I was talking about and could decide for themselves.
State actual opinions on policies, such as "the government should/should not take over the healthcare industry," or "spending a trillion dollars that our grandchildren can never repay is a good/bad idea" instead of simply attacking those who have viewpoints.
Criticize actual positions, policies and philosophies instead of using the least articulate, most isolated advocates of those positions as leverage against the position itself.
Admit that my own positions on issues have changed and try to explain why, instead of trying to argue that the entire conservative movement has suddenly become extreme overnight.

But there is not much danger of that happening, is there?

The Greek crisis hoax

2010-03-01T04:45:00.000-08:00

Apparantly there is a new hoax going around the internet about how Greece is having financial trouble from too much government spending and that people are rioting in the streets and that somehow America will end up this way if we keep spending trillions of dollars with no way to pay it back.

I, for one, will not fall for it. Even if there is a country known as "Greece," it is doubtful that it will run out of money, as the government can always make more like we do here.

It is really amazing and laughable that so many rightwing blogs have fallen for this hoax and have actually repeated it on their websites. FAIL. PWNED. (I use lingo like "fail" and "pwned" to show how cool I am.)

From now on, those who believe that there is a country called "Greece" that is bankrupt and that this has something to do with the U.S. will be called "Greecers." But I will not link to them to prove it because:

That whole "lack-of-testicle" thing; and
Linking to the Greecers would be promoting hate and racism.

Now that I have disposed of this whole "Greece" thing, back to the real stories of the day:

Global warming is real.
The John Birch Society.
Evolution, evolution, evolution.
Everyone who disagrees with Obama once met a man who knew a man that may have been a "Birther" and must therefore be banned. And pwned.

Cycle of Violence

2010-02-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

Cycle of Violence

Health care debate? What Health Care Debate?

2010-02-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

I heard somewhere that the President was trying to take over the health care industry. I won't write about it, except to accuse both sides of relying on "talking points" and attack the GOP for being "united in their anti-government message."

Blaming both sides is easy (because of that whole lack-of-testicle thing) and allows me to retain my credibility (heh) while I bravely focus on the real issues, such as the John Birch Society, the settled science of global warming, and the fact that all Republicans are Nazis.

I'm the only one who is not crazy.

2010-02-25T05:34:00.000-08:00

Ron Paul is crazy for believing weird theories about the Federal Reserve, but I am perfectly sane for believing that the Earth is going to heat up, melt the icebergs and flood the planet.

All of the Republicans became racist at once for no reason.

2010-02-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

All of the Republicans seemed to go crazy and become all racist and stuff at one time. Simultaneously. Just in the past couple of years. But I stayed normal.

I suppose as soon as a Republican is about to become President again I won't think they are racist anymore. I may live in California, but my testicles live at the White House.

All John Birch Society, all the Time

2010-02-23T06:09:00.000-08:00

From now on every post I write will say "John Birch Society" in the title. I will never mention another Republican without hyphenating their name with that of the John Birch Society.

That is much easier than finding actual arguments to defend the government takeover of health care or the other aspects of the Reid-Pelosi-Obama agenda.

La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-02-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

My hands are over my ears.

I am not listening to all of the global warming deniers as they engage in hate speech by citing facts and statistics in opposition to global warming.

Global warming is real. Global warming is real. Global warming is real.

The science is settled. The science is settled. The science is settled.

I will hold my breath until the icebergs melt and flood the earth.

It is raaaaaaaaaacist to criticize the President

2010-02-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone who criticizes the President is RAAAAAAAAACIST!

But I rarely write my own opinion of the President or his policies. I merely attack his opponents.

If I were to write my own opinions, that would require me to regrow the testicles I cut off and mailed to the White House on inauguration day, 2009.

Raaaaaaaaaaaacist!

2010-02-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone who disagrees with me is RAAAAAAAACIST!!!!!!!!!!! But I can't link to their websites or blogs to prove it, because that would be promoting raaaaaaaaaaaacism.

They have all been banned from my blog.